Naturally as a man the moment I thought of an idea I set to work
implementing it — in this case by writing it. It would have been exactly
the same if my idea had been the wheel or the Hoover Dam. That’s because
I’m a man and instead of taking shit from the world around me, I can shove
shit right back into it as well.
Aish’s Top Ten Reasons Men Are Better Than Women
10. Men do not have Tourette Syndrome
I believe all women suffer from a mild and extremely localized form of
Tourette Syndrome. The afflicted organ? Their tongues. That’s why women
cannot shut their fucking mouths for ten seconds while adults are speaking
around them. Their tongues are battling around in their mouths like drunken
Vipers.
9. Men are not sponges
Women are social chameleons — or better yet: social vampires. Women
walk into a situation and before you know it they’ve completely changed
their wardrobe and mannerisms as if they’ve joined a fucking cult. Men are
not sheep. Everyone knows the word for a female sheep is ewe, but what about
the male word? There isn’t one because sheep is something men are not.
8. Women are racists
Women’s entire lives and social circles are based around hatred. Do
they hate their boyfriends? Do they hate their wardrobe? Do they hate each
other? Yes, yes and fuck definitely. Men don’t go in for that silly sort
of nonsense. If we’re dissatisfied, we pick up and move out. Or we take
our mighty man muscles and lift fucking mountains so the world looks exactly
the way we want it to. Men do more world changing before 9:00 AM than any
woman ever has done in her whole life.
7. Men live less than women
The last thing a society needs is a bunch of non-contributing members
laying around and sucking all the juice from the young. Men know this so
they blast off from birth like shooting man stars — burning out ten years
faster, but setting the whole night ablaze with manness. Women just kind of
lie around like big fat pigs in big fat puddles of shit. Congratulations
women. You really earned those rights!
6. Men write illegibly
Writing is stupid and an ineffective way to communicate. Men know this so
they don’t give a shit about handwriting things with big hoops and loops
and squiggles and shit so aliens can read notes about remembering to pick up
your birth control pills after 6th period from space.
5. Jesus was a man
Whether or not you believe in Jesus, there is one fact you can’t argue
with: he was a man. No religion anywhere has ever put a woman in charge of
shit. That’s called dogma — man-dogma — and it means men are better
than women.
4. Men wear watches
Do you know why men wear watches? It’s because there’s a limited
amount of time in the day and men need to know how much of it there is so
they can efficiently allocate their man ass kicking for the day. Women
don’t wear watches; they wear bracelets. Women wearing bracelets is like
dropping a bus of retarded kids off in front of a taffy pulling machine.
They can just stare for hours and never get bored.
A watch says, ‘Get up and go! Move your man ass and take care of your
fucking man business!’ That’s why 60 minutes uses a ticking watch for
its theme song. ‘Important shit is going down and we’re about to talk
about it in a fucking fastidious manner, so get the fuck ready,’ says a
ticking watch. A bracelet says, ‘You’re most likely ugly, but look at
how much money you’re worth!’ What a joke.
3. Boys destroy things
The only thing that has ever lifted our species out of the trees where we
came from is our ability to destroy. Take paper: the cornerstone of the
modern world. That was invented because man wanted to destroy trees and beat
them into pulp. How about nuclear power? Men invented that too. Men are
natural destructors. We pop right out of the man-womb and start on a
life-long tirade of progress by tearing down the Earth with our mighty,
man-manly man-fists. Goddammit, that’s awesome!
2. Marriage is stupid
Marriage is 100% the fault of women. It was invented by men though! Did
you know that? Marriage was invented because women were too busy whoring it
out to fuck the only the guy who was paying their rent and feeding their fat
asses French bon-bons every day. Men invented marriage as a way of telling
women who they could and couldn’t fuck. Like everything else men have ever
invented, it completely worked and worked way better than any man thought it
would. Women became so indoctrinated by the man-invention of marriage that
they’re fucking obsessed with it.
Marriage is still stupid. It’s a stupid game invented to entertain
stupid minds and to teach basic lessons of fidelity that even invertebrates
are born with.
1. Men have penises
When it comes to being a man, being quick at identifying problems is
tantamount to fixing them. In fact it’s tantamount-ier. Having a penis —
in other words looking like a man and having man parts — is a man’s way
of telling other men, ‘Hey. Look at me. I’m a man. I won’t fuck up
whatever it is that you’re trying to do. If you need some help, maybe ask
me and I’ll see if I can lend a man-hand. It’s the least I could do to
be fucking courteous.’
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