"I told
my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being
ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
Rodney Dangerfield. |
"You
have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeners. |
"Have
you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George Carlin. |
"I'm
always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that
they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't
understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who
your dentist is?"
Paul Merton. |
"There
is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with
another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
Steve Martin. |
"I used
to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
Les Dawson. |
"The
Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred,
Barney..."
Steven Wright. |
"First
you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull
your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns. |
"The pen
is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman. |
"We had
gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the
furniture."
Robin Williams. |
