Dear Advice Aish,
A female and I were seeing each other. She had gotten out of a
long relationship, so we both agreed that we should take it slow. She would do
things for me all the time. I always was appreciative; however the fear that
she sooner or later would take advantage of her freedom had come true. I knew
she wasn't looking for a relationship. But she went out with one of her
friends, got drunk, met a guy and slept with him all in one evening.
I told her that she has never done anything like that before and to just
leave it alone. Now after a week she has left me out in the cold. I know she
has to find out things on her own, but spending almost every night with this
guy I feel like she has forgotten about me. She has emailed me once, and
called me wanting to just say "HI" and not to worry about calling her back.
Should I be worried about this, or is a hard lesson she is going to realize?
This guy has become very attached to her, and came off as she said, “very
nice and sweet talking", yet I feel like I need not worry. I feel that she
will see everything we had and will eventually come to her senses.
I know it's better to not wait around and expect anything, but I just
think she might not come around, even though I have backed off completely and
avoid contact with her. I did this hoping that the phrase "absence makes the
heart grow fonder" will ring true. I know I like her, but also know that she
has to figure out what she wants. My last question is, everything she said
that was positive about us, including the feelings she has for me aren't there
when she's around other guys and she can see us together in the future, are
those statements she said out of sincerity? I know you weren't there but she
said it in a sincere voice, and would bring it up out of nowhere.
Advice Aish replies,
The two of you agreed to take it slow, but she went out drinking, met a
guy, and sped things up quickly. Yes, you should be worried for it appears
that she and this guy are spending "couples" time together. If you see (date)
someone almost every night it means you really like spending time with this
person, and that this person is important to you at this time.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder "if" the heart was initially fond.
Can you honestly say that she is/was as fond of you as you are of her? Forget
about what she says to you. Words are just that - "words." What is she doing?
What is she showing you? An email here, a phone call there ... what does it
mean? Nothing. She is spending her time with the other guy. How can she have
sincere feeling for you, yet choose to spend the majority (if not all) of her
time with a man she recently met?
Sometimes we go through phases. It could be that this guy has a
personality that is totally opposite yours, and she is excited about that
because it is different. The only constant in life is change, and
unfortunately, we have the right to change our minds in regards to the people
we choose to date.
If she calls you, feel free to talk to her so that you can get a feel for
where her mind is. Does she want to go out with you? When was the last time
the two of you were in each other's presence?
Relationships are very difficult to maintain. Like anything worth having,
they require work. However, it does you no good to beat a dead horse. It
appears that she has a strong interest in this new guy, and that she wants to
remain friends with you. If this is the case, are you willing to accept it?
You said "I know I like her, but also know that she has to figure out what she
wants." Unfortunately, it appears that she has done just that.
If she means as much to you as you say, continue to give her space, but
don't waste your life waiting on her. Get out and meet new friends as well.
There's an old saying, "if you love someone, let them go free. If they return,
they're yours forever - if they don't return, they were never yours to begin
with."
Dear Advice Aish,
I recently went golfing with an ex-co worker of mine to whom I am very
attracted to and have known for 6 years. I felt that we had a good
conversation going while we were golfing and afterwards I asked her to go to
dinner and a movie. To which she replied that she was going to go take A
shower and see a movie.
She said that she would stop by and see my new place sometime next week.
My problem is that I keep getting mixed signals from her about spending time
with me and that I don't know what my next step should be? Should I invite her
out on a romantic dinner for two or just forget about trying to establish a
relationship with her?
Advice Aish replies,
When you asked her out to dinner and a movie, she declined
without suggesting a rain check. She said that she was going to shower and see
a movie. That leads me to believe that she was going to see a movie with
someone other than you. Then, she said she’d stop by and see your new place
next week. That statement simply suggests that you’ve invited her to see
your new place, and she has accepted that invitation, as a friend.
She isn’t sending you mixed signals; she’s dropping clues like they’re
hot – and she is NOT checking for you, boo.
Dear Advice Aish,
My husband moved out the end of December. A few weeks later I met my soul
mate online. I am so over my husband. Our relationship has been dead for at
least 6 yrs. Having him leave was the best thing I’ve ever done in my entire
life. We have two kids and our lives have never been happier or freer. There
were control issues and verbal and emotional abuse issues. I’m finally free.
Problem is this: There is a ton of money involved. When we met he had nothing.
I’ve supported him to a point where our business is now worth millions. I
never worked in the workforce but stayed home with the kids and mentally
supported him and encouraged him. I am "madly head over heels drop everything
die without" in love with this new man. We have met and spent the most
unbelievable indescribable weekends together. Every single moment was perfect.
No uneasiness, no discomfort, no awkwardness. We are truly made for each
other. My divorce will take a year to be final. My soul mate, love of my life
was in the exact same situation but hasn’t told his that he’s finished
yet. He’s terrified of hurting her, even though their relationship has been
over for at least 3 yrs. I want to shout from the highest rooftop that Love is
real and I’ve finally found it. But, in doing so, it would be considered
adultery since our divorce won’t be final until next year. If I get charged
with adultery, I will lose several million dollars over the next few years. I
have lived with my husband under the belief that we are broke. We have pinched
pennies for a long time including sharing meals when dining out.. I finally
have a chance to feel some financial freedom.
We had to move every 2 years to get to this point. I don’t think its
fair that in order for me to be with my true love that I have to give up any
security. My husband would love nothing more than to have proof that I’m the
loser he's made me feel like for so many years. However, I physically ache for
my lover. I’m depressed. I cry non-stop. we live in different states so
seeing him is extremely difficult. I feel like I’m shriveling up and dying
without him.
My head and stomach hurt all the time that we are apart. We talk every
evening for hours, we talk while he’s at work. I know in the deepest part of
my soul that he loves me as much as I love him. In fact, he felt more for me
then I did him until after our weekend last week. now I can’t even breathe
without him. I want to die. I’ve never felt so much pain in my life. I don’t
know how much more separation I can take. I’ve never believed that this kind
of love could exist. I thought it was saved for the movies and fairy tales. I
have to have him. Please tell me what you think I should do. I’m not a
greedy person who is picking money over love, I just would like my share. I’ve
spent many yrs with someone that has destroyed my self worth and feel like I’m
due something. I don’t know what to do. I want free of this marriage and I
want my man. A year wait will truly kill me. please help.
Advice Aish replies,
if millions of dollars are at stake, you have to wait it out. Love is a
beautiful thing, but love doesn't pay the rent. (or mortgage, or medical
bills, or college tuition for your children, etc.) You may be moving to fast.
Though you claim to love this man (and I
don't doubt it) You must know, without any uncertainty, that he has the same
feelings for you. I'm concerned for a number of reasons. #1. You've only known
him for two months, and you've only spent one weekend together. That's not
enough time to truly "know" a person. #2. He hasn't asked his wife for a
divorce. I can understand the fact that their relationship may have been over
for many years, but if he loves you as much as you say he does, he'd be ready
and willing to file for divorce ASAP.
You're putting too many expectations on this new man. If you're going to
divorce your husband, divorce him, but don't expect the new man to be so eager
to leave his wife of twenty five years. Sometimes a weekend of great sex is
just that, a weekend of great sex.
If there was verbal, emotional or any abuse in your marriage, you're
correct in ending it. After suffering through eleven years of penny pinching,
don't you think it's time for you reap the rewards of your labor? Crying and
being depressed isn't helping your situation at all. The worse part (the penny
pinching/abusive days) of your life has passed. You're now on your way to
financial freedom, and hopefully, a life with a new man. You said the two of
you talk daily, and there's nothing wrong with that, as long as he has
definite intentions to leave his wife. Are you 100% sure that he does? Where
is his wife when the two of you are talking on the phone for hours? Does he
and his wife sleep together at night?
If you hadn't met this new man, would you still have filed for divorce?
Though I do not advocate adultery, you can still talk to your new man and even
see him when time permits, as long as he has plans to leave his wife. Another
thing, does your "new man" know bout your several million dollars? Your
divorce will be final next year, which is not too long to wait for a divorce
to become final, or for millions of dollars. Until he actually files for
divorce from his wife, you do not know his true intentions. Lower your
expectations and heighten your self esteem.